Tale in a Tweet

Today was the first day of our three day long college fest, Meraki and to be really, really honest, I’m quite proud of everyone who’s worked for this. Its our first inter college fest and the first day was quite definitely a success.

For most part of the festival, I’m a committee member for Photography and Registration, however I ended up taking part in one of the events today! Now the event was called “Tale in a Tweet” where they’d give you three different words and you had to choose one and write  a short tale in 140 characters (inspired by Twitter’s previous 140 character limit!) The three words they gave us were – Nostalgia, faith and Isolate. I chose faith and here’s what I wrote for this really spur of the moment decision of participating!

“Why did you give up on us?”, he asked.
“I didn’t, I just lost faith.”
“Why? I did everything with you.”
“I lost faith when you started doing everything with me and nothing for me.” 

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“My Inspiration’s Run Dry”

Its been a whole week since college started (second last year of law school – self high five!), and to be quite honest, I’ve handled things pretty well.

My new goal for this 10th Trimester is to be happy and stress free – to accept things and still not get crazed and angry. Seeing as only 6 days have gone bye, I can’t really say how well this has been going. However, I have been coping!

In other news, I seem to have lost all and any kind of inspiration. My thoughts and ideas have vanished and dried up and there’s really nothing going on to blog about. On the bright side of all of this, I’ve been staying really healthy – both mentally and physically, and let me tell you, it is the best feeling ever. My acne has improved so much, and my brain isn’t continuously muddled with crazy thoughts about anything and everything. Also, my reading is on an all time high and I’ve read some really exiting books this summer (Case in Point: Hear the Wind Sing and Pinball by Haruki Murakami)

This post is quite pointless other than the fact that I really, really wanted to write and couldn’t really come up with anything to write about.

 

 

P. S – I’m actually not hating college that much right now!

Happy Holi!

It’s the festival of colours and I’ve just returned back to my hostel after a very, very, very tiring day(s)!

The past three days, our college had its National Debate Competition (for which I was a photography volunteer), and we worked non-stop from 9 AM – 9 PM and it was tiring and crazy. Since today was Holi, first few hours of the morning went in to prepping for the mass attack of colours that we’d be victims of. This thus included painting my nails black, oiling my hair and arms and face and getting rid of all kinds of jewelry. After that, all of morning and afternoon went into crazy water and colours celebration, and pictures and the first half of the evening went into removing all of that colour.

At one point during my shower, I was legit confused as to whether the colour in my hair was the holi colour or my pre-coloured hair. As a result, I have specs of pink all over my auburn hair.

All in all, the last few days have been hectic as hell and all I really need now is a nice, big vacation (going home, maybe?), but on a positive note, HAPPY HOLI GUYS!

Thanks for getting me overly-attached

I have this friend at college who in the past few months has became way too important to me. And the worst part is that he’s overly nice, and overly happy, overly cheerful, and overly friendly and just makes me happy whenever he’s with me.

I also fought with him in January and cried over him tons and tons and that’s when I realized how much he means to me; much, much more than so many other people that I know.

What I usually get sad and disappointed about (and then start overthinking about) is that what if he eventually gets tired of me? What if he decides to get more ‘happening’ friends, or spend all the time he spends with me with people much more interesting? And then I realize that the amount of power his opinion has over me is ridiculous and I want to slap myself hard for getting this overly-attached; for making him matter so much to me when it might not even be two-way.

Right now, at this point, he is one of my favouritest people and I’m perfectly happy with that – What I’m not happy with is how could I let myself be so stupid as to become so overly-attached?

You’ve got an Inferiority Complex!

Today at college, our Evidence professor decided to get everyone to speak on anything for a few minutes. Anything at all. The whole point of this was that he’d teach us just exactly how to speak to the public later on in life.

I hate speaking in class. I hate speaking anywhere in public. I have, and always have had stage fright and thus speaking in front of any group that exceeds ten people is not my cup of tea. But funnily, today I actually wasn’t afraid of speaking. I wanted to speak! Everyone in class got up and spoke about different things like climate change, staying away from home, depression, Donald Trump and many other things. It was kind of resolved that he was going to make everyone speak and thus I had decided what I was going to speak about. But I didn’t get called up. The one time I actually wanted to speak, I didn’t get called up. (Thanks college)

However, this was something that had been on my mind a long time and I really wanted to say it out aloud. But not to any one person, I wanted it to be something I wasn’t addressing to a single person, but to many people so no one could really comment on it by themselves. Since I didn’t get to at college, here goes:

 

When I was out with my college friend one day, we saw this really pretty girl with perfect skin. I looked at her and turned to my friend and said to him,”Why can’t I get that?” He stared at her and then looked at me and said,”You know what your problem is? You have an inferiority complex.” This was no surprise to me. I know I have a massive inferiority complex. What was a surprise though, was that he would say it. It’s like with everything else. Whenever someone else points out your flaws, you don’t want to accept it. You know they’re right, but you just can’t get yourself to say it.
This was like that.
I didn’t say anything as he continued. He said,”I’ve never met anyone with a bigger inferiority complex that you. You look at people, and all you do is compare. You compare everything with them, and you always find yourself less.” I just shrugged. It was true. I mean, if someone is better, why would I not? He further told me that I had a very negative opinion of myself and that I was always complaining about to having a boyfriend, and that this could easily change if I changed myself. The thing is, I’ve always maintained that boys here only date girls who are pretty and thin and look good. (Idk maybe you have more considerate boys elsewhere, but not in India) So I told him. I told him the reason I don’t have one is because I look like a potato. He just rolled his eyes. He said,”The first time I saw you, I felt you were a rude person. But after I got to know you, I realized you were an amazing person. And only rude sometimes.” I smiled at him and told him, jokes apart, I did feel that I had a good personality, and that there were times when I had a good sense of humour. Enough people have told me that I’m a fun person to be with. So then why couldn’t I get guys, actual guys that I like, to see beyond my face? One of my friends made us meet her boyfriend recently, and later she was telling me that he found me ‘superb’. Okay, but why can’t boyfriend material for me, find me superb?

I think after a while I figured it out. When I’m with friends, I’m a completely different person than when I’m with someone I could potentially like. For example, when I first met my friend Kai, I started talking to him by myself. Asked him all kinds of questions and made enough conversation. But the first time I talked to the boy I liked at college, I was a mess. I kept thinking if I speak too much, will he think I blabber nonsense? Or, if I make stupid jokes, will he find me lame? And I didn’t even have any feelings for him then! This was the first time I was talking to him. There was just this weird feeling that he would mean more to me than some other people I’d recently met. And because I was so guarded and thought 20,000 times before speaking, he never really got to know how I really was. Because who I was with him, that’s not how I was. I was so much more and so much better.

Disintegrating friendships?

“I try to write poems and short stories.”
“what about?”
“Just weird situations.”
“What kind of situations?”
“Disintegrating friendships, and things like that.”
“So why do friendships disintegrate?”
“I just think that people’s interests change. And relationships have to be built on some sort of commonality. So once that common ground is lost, it’s very difficult to get it back.”

“Law college killed me before it killed me.” “Huh?”, he asks looking up.
“I was brilliant friends with Dan on the first day of first year.” “You’re still brilliant friends with Dan, he’s Leo’s godfather.”, he replies staring at me now.
“Yeah, but now he’s there and he’s not there.” He stares at me even more now,”You haven’t told me anything like this before.”, he gets up concerned. He’s always so concerned, it’s a miracle you didn’t fall for him sooner.
“He was the first friend I made. Not exactly the first, one of the first ones.” “You’ve told me all that”, he says,”You’ve also told me about how you had the fight in the first year itself and how you fixed everything after that.”
“Nah, We just fixed it on the surface.” “Please.”, he pleads,”Tell me what’s wrong.”
“We were friends. Brilliant friends. Then we weren’t, and for him we fixed it, and even Ems fixed it, but I just couldn’t.” “You, Ems and Dan are best friends.”, he says quietly.
“Its a transparent friendship, you know? Prima facie. My friend hasn’t been there since that fight in the first year.” “That was six years ago.”, he remarks,”Are you telling me you’ve been faking a friendship with him for six years?”, he asks with maybe a slight anger in his voice. But who wouldn’t be angry? I’ve lied to the love of my life for the past four years.
“No, Ray, not faking. Hoping. I kept thinking he’ll realize that I still had a problem with something so stupid.” “Stupid. Exactly. That was a misunderstanding-I’ve heard that a million times coming from you.”, he sits down on his knees now and looks up at me.
“Except it wasn’t. It was more than that, so much more. We had things in common. We used to talk, a lot. So obviously something changed.” Ray places his head on my lap, “Dan’s told you so many times that he just felt judged, nothing more, nothing else.”
“And what is worse than feeling judged in the company of people where you want nothing more than a feeling of acceptance? No, something died. That link we had. The connection. We were hometown buddies.” “You still are.”,Ray replies quietly.
I have a long explanation ready. I’ve always had one. Right from the time we decided to fix our friendship. But I stay quiet. “However irrational it may sound,”, he says, “I want you to tell me. Please.”, and that voice will kill you before you try to hide something from it.
“I tried. I tried to talk it through. I used to bring it up randomly but none of them ever really understood what was hurting me. I couldn’t make them understand. It was this feeling that wouldn’t go. Like something had snapped and it wouldn’t get fixed. I’d talk to him but it was like I wasn’t talking to him. We’d text but I wasn’t texting him. It was like this thin veil existence, something different in our friendship. And the worst part? I couldn’t tell what. I remember reading somewhere that friendships disintegrate because you lose common ground. We lost a lot more than common ground. Six years, and I’m still not satisfied that what we fixed that day actually fixed itself up or not.”
Its the most I’ve talked in the past hour. Ray gets up and kisses me lightly. I close my eyes and feel him leaving the room.
“You’ll be fine. Your friendship will be fine.”