It’s so weird but over the years I’ve realized that people (including myself) misuse the English language SO much. People use words without meaning them, or use them without understanding them, and I’ve started hating that a lot. Where people tell you they love some random netflix show, but they just like going home to visit. (Can you really feel more for that show than you feel for home?).
For a lot of things in life, I have mini internal rules. Rules that I follow wholeheartedly and without anyone finding out they exist. One of my rules (its actually sometimes a little hard to follow) is that I never say sorry to anyone who doesn’t matter. My rule is not wide or senseless. For example, if I step on someone’s shoe while walking to the bus station, I will apologize – my rule only applies for people I actually know. So for example, I do something and I end up hurting someone’s feelings, the only time I will apologize is when I actually care about this someone’s forgiveness. Where I look at this person and think, “oh you are not someone I want to hurt”. But where someone doesn’t matter, I can’t do it. I don’t apologize (because I don’t care).
I like to think my rule works really well for me. It helps me prioritize people and mostly reminds me who I am actually letting my brain think about. If I’m not apologizing to you, you don’t matter and I don’t think about you. Sometimes this weirdly simple logic that I use makes me wish other people also used it because that way I could tell who cared about me. I would know instantly if I was being thought about (or alternatively, not being thought about).
I once read somewhere that a lot depends on whom you let get access to you. That your day can change depending on who is running it (you, or someone else, etc.). When I think about that, I feel like it becomes very important for me to reevaluate the people in my everyday life. Do you really matter enough for me to say sorry to you? When I can answer that, I can easily figure who is getting access to me and positively change my day!
Over the last two weekends, I’ve spent so much time researching for my presentation and paper that I’ve spent the equal amount of time listening to new music in the background – here is my new music playlist for September, 2019.
1) Memories – Maroon 5
2) I Really Wish I Hated You – Blink 182
3) When I wasn’t watching – Mandy Moore
4) Teeth – 5 Seconds of Summer
5) Someone to Love – OneRepublic
6) Graveyard – Halsey
7) I warned Myself – Charlie Puth
You are welcome! Now go update your playlist.
Last night, I finished reading Kafka on the Shore and the amount of emotions that book made me feel has me mindblown – and so here is a quote from this gem of a book.
Someone told me the other day that I shouldn’t want to be happy. That happiness isn’t what I should be looking for. He told me to look for satisfaction. I asked if he doesn’t think that everyone wants to be happy. He said maybe they do, but maybe they shouldn’t. I was confused. He told me that I was operating in highs and lows – and that was my downfall. Why was I using these parameters to describe my life? Why was I looking to be happy, when I could instead be satisfied? If I could find a neutral, middle ground; if I could be at the level from where falling down wasn’t possible, shouldn’t I look for that? I guess when I actually heard these words out loud, I realised that he was right. That I couldn’t hope for happiness; that I should hope for satisfaction. Peace, wisdom, intellect, he said, I should hope for. Not happiness.
In One Tree Hill, Julian once tells Brooke that people often think of happiness as a destination. That if people thought of happiness not as a destination but as a condition – as a state of mind that changes, maybe people would find happiness more often. I liked to believe in this. I liked to believe that I could think of happiness as a condition.
Then someone told me to think about satisfaction and not happiness. Suddenly, I didn’t want happiness. I didn’t want to think about achieving something that would make me happy – I wanted to think about achieving something that would satisfy me.
Now I think maybe there will be no downfall for me because I know that somewhere along all of it I will be satisfied.
As far back as I can remember, I have been really excited to leave India. I always felt that I couldn’t be happy with what I had, or with what I would have.
I once read somewhere that all you really need for your opinion to change, is another opinion.
One month in Singapore gave me that opinion.
When it got really close to leaving Mumbai, I was stressed. I tried to downplay it by reminding myself that this was what I’d wanted for years. That no matter how many times mom cried before I left I was going to be okay because I wanted this.
I have approximately five friends who have studied in different countries and come back home. They’ve talked about clean roads and beautiful streets, or about fancy libraries and vintage bookstores. They talk so much about new people, new people who’ve now become forever people, or about how much they hated coming back.
But what no one actually tells you is that all of it takes time. That it takes months to make forever people; to make a different country something you don’t want to come back from. No one tells you that the first week you spend in a new bed with new roommates will make you miss the small room you shared with your brother. No one also tells you that spending one festival away from your family will make you homesick in ways you can’t even imagine.
I think people do this knowingly. I think that no one ever tells you the bad parts so that you look at the good parts and think that this will be the best part of your life. I think that no one wants you to know that they struggled. This way when you tell them that you are struggling, its a new thing and they can pretend like they never went through it.
One month in Singapore has taught me so much. But mostly its taught me that I could have been happy with what I had, or with what I was going to have.