Today at college, our Evidence professor decided to get everyone to speak on anything for a few minutes. Anything at all. The whole point of this was that he’d teach us just exactly how to speak to the public later on in life.
I hate speaking in class. I hate speaking anywhere in public. I have, and always have had stage fright and thus speaking in front of any group that exceeds ten people is not my cup of tea. But funnily, today I actually wasn’t afraid of speaking. I wanted to speak! Everyone in class got up and spoke about different things like climate change, staying away from home, depression, Donald Trump and many other things. It was kind of resolved that he was going to make everyone speak and thus I had decided what I was going to speak about. But I didn’t get called up. The one time I actually wanted to speak, I didn’t get called up. (Thanks college)
However, this was something that had been on my mind a long time and I really wanted to say it out aloud. But not to any one person, I wanted it to be something I wasn’t addressing to a single person, but to many people so no one could really comment on it by themselves. Since I didn’t get to at college, here goes:
When I was out with my college friend one day, we saw this really pretty girl with perfect skin. I looked at her and turned to my friend and said to him,”Why can’t I get that?” He stared at her and then looked at me and said,”You know what your problem is? You have an inferiority complex.” This was no surprise to me. I know I have a massive inferiority complex. What was a surprise though, was that he would say it. It’s like with everything else. Whenever someone else points out your flaws, you don’t want to accept it. You know they’re right, but you just can’t get yourself to say it.
This was like that.
I didn’t say anything as he continued. He said,”I’ve never met anyone with a bigger inferiority complex that you. You look at people, and all you do is compare. You compare everything with them, and you always find yourself less.” I just shrugged. It was true. I mean, if someone is better, why would I not? He further told me that I had a very negative opinion of myself and that I was always complaining about to having a boyfriend, and that this could easily change if I changed myself. The thing is, I’ve always maintained that boys here only date girls who are pretty and thin and look good. (Idk maybe you have more considerate boys elsewhere, but not in India) So I told him. I told him the reason I don’t have one is because I look like a potato. He just rolled his eyes. He said,”The first time I saw you, I felt you were a rude person. But after I got to know you, I realized you were an amazing person. And only rude sometimes.” I smiled at him and told him, jokes apart, I did feel that I had a good personality, and that there were times when I had a good sense of humour. Enough people have told me that I’m a fun person to be with. So then why couldn’t I get guys, actual guys that I like, to see beyond my face? One of my friends made us meet her boyfriend recently, and later she was telling me that he found me ‘superb’. Okay, but why can’t boyfriend material for me, find me superb?
I think after a while I figured it out. When I’m with friends, I’m a completely different person than when I’m with someone I could potentially like. For example, when I first met my friend Kai, I started talking to him by myself. Asked him all kinds of questions and made enough conversation. But the first time I talked to the boy I liked at college, I was a mess. I kept thinking if I speak too much, will he think I blabber nonsense? Or, if I make stupid jokes, will he find me lame? And I didn’t even have any feelings for him then! This was the first time I was talking to him. There was just this weird feeling that he would mean more to me than some other people I’d recently met. And because I was so guarded and thought 20,000 times before speaking, he never really got to know how I really was. Because who I was with him, that’s not how I was. I was so much more and so much better.