“I try to write poems and short stories.”
“Just weird situations.”
“What kind of situations?”
“Disintegrating friendships, and things like that.”
“So why do friendships disintegrate?”
“I just think that people’s interests change. And relationships have to be built on some sort of commonality. So once that common ground is lost, it’s very difficult to get it back.”
“Law college killed me before it killed me.” “Huh?”, he asks looking up.
“I was brilliant friends with Dan on the first day of first year.” “You’re still brilliant friends with Dan, he’s Leo’s godfather.”, he replies staring at me now.
“Yeah, but now he’s there and he’s not there.” He stares at me even more now,”You haven’t told me anything like this before.”, he gets up concerned. He’s always so concerned, it’s a miracle you didn’t fall for him sooner.
“He was the first friend I made. Not exactly the first, one of the first ones.” “You’ve told me all that”, he says,”You’ve also told me about how you had the fight in the first year itself and how you fixed everything after that.”
“Nah, We just fixed it on the surface.” “Please.”, he pleads,”Tell me what’s wrong.”
“We were friends. Brilliant friends. Then we weren’t, and for him we fixed it, and even Ems fixed it, but I just couldn’t.” “You, Ems and Dan are best friends.”, he says quietly.
“Its a transparent friendship, you know? Prima facie. My friend hasn’t been there since that fight in the first year.” “That was six years ago.”, he remarks,”Are you telling me you’ve been faking a friendship with him for six years?”, he asks with maybe a slight anger in his voice. But who wouldn’t be angry? I’ve lied to the love of my life for the past four years.
“No, Ray, not faking. Hoping. I kept thinking he’ll realize that I still had a problem with something so stupid.” “Stupid. Exactly. That was a misunderstanding-I’ve heard that a million times coming from you.”, he sits down on his knees now and looks up at me.
“Except it wasn’t. It was more than that, so much more. We had things in common. We used to talk, a lot. So obviously something changed.” Ray places his head on my lap, “Dan’s told you so many times that he just felt judged, nothing more, nothing else.”
“And what is worse than feeling judged in the company of people where you want nothing more than a feeling of acceptance? No, something died. That link we had. The connection. We were hometown buddies.” “You still are.”,Ray replies quietly.
I have a long explanation ready. I’ve always had one. Right from the time we decided to fix our friendship. But I stay quiet. “However irrational it may sound,”, he says, “I want you to tell me. Please.”, and that voice will kill you before you try to hide something from it.
“I tried. I tried to talk it through. I used to bring it up randomly but none of them ever really understood what was hurting me. I couldn’t make them understand. It was this feeling that wouldn’t go. Like something had snapped and it wouldn’t get fixed. I’d talk to him but it was like I wasn’t talking to him. We’d text but I wasn’t texting him. It was like this thin veil existence, something different in our friendship. And the worst part? I couldn’t tell what. I remember reading somewhere that friendships disintegrate because you lose common ground. We lost a lot more than common ground. Six years, and I’m still not satisfied that what we fixed that day actually fixed itself up or not.”
Its the most I’ve talked in the past hour. Ray gets up and kisses me lightly. I close my eyes and feel him leaving the room.
“You’ll be fine. Your friendship will be fine.”