I’ve been watching Supernatural since 2010, I’ve loved Supernatural since 2010 and I’m pretty sure I’ve shipped Dean and Cas since 2010. Supernatural aired it’s third last episode yesterday. I think I was always dreading it – I knew that Cas would mostly die, so I knew I’d cry but a part of me was maybe a little bit ready. I’ve always known there aren’t many ways to end Supernatural other than a lot of death.
Episode 18, titled ‘Despair’ was worse. Cas has died five times already, and now that I’ve looked back at it, all five times have been for Dean. Honestly, what hasn’t Cas done for Dean? If you’ve shipped anyone as long as I’ve shipped Destiel, I feel that maybe you get what I’m going to say now.
Cas made a deal a few seasons ago, something I hoped would never come into play – but why would it be a thing if Supernatural wasn’t going to break our hearts with it? This deal was simple – whenever Cas achieves true happiness, he will die and be sent to a pretty bad place. A huge, huge part of me has always believed that Cas’ true happiness is Dean. A huge part has also always believed that CW would never make Destiel a thing so maybe Cas would be okay.
Episode 18 made Destiel a thing. Imagine knowing that you’ve wanted to see something happen for almost 10 years and you’ve also know it probably won’t, so you’re content with what you get – and then it happens. But hey, it only happens for a minute and you lose it all over again. Now this sucks because all these years you’ve survived without it and now how can you when you’ve glimpsed how life would be with it?
Dean and Cas are trapped by Death who’s coming to kill them. Cas, sweet, amazing, selfless Cas then lets Dean in on a secret – that he made a deal and this deal can potentially save them now. Cas then proceeds to give the most romantic monologue on Supernatural, on tv, on CW; probably anywhere else. Cas first tells him that he always wondered what his true happiness would look like because he thinks that he what he truly wants, he can’t really get – I know, and if you were watching this you’d also know – he’s talking about Dean. Cas then tells Dean everything that he’s been afraid of hearing for many, many years. That Dean is not the angry, broken down person he believes he is. That Dean is the most caring person here, and that Cas will never meet another human being who is more sincere and loving than Dean is.
I think my favourite part is definitely when Cas tells Dean that he’s changed him. It’s actually pretty obvious how much Dean and Cas have changed each other but having Cas acknowledge it is amazing. And then Cas says something which I could probably write down forever on every surface – “I cared for the whole world because of you”
Dean, he’s so confused. I think he starts off by not understanding where anything is going but it doesn’t take long for him to understand. He asks Cas why all this sounds like a goodbye and Cas says because it is. And then he says I Love You. I’ve seen so,so,so many I love you’s and nothing will ever mean as much as Cas finally saying it to Dean meant. Dean, he can barely get four words out before Cas is gone.
The thing is I know, I’m pretty sure actually that Dean feels the same – has felt the same for years. But in a space of barely three minutes his best friend tells him that he loves him, that he’s changed him for the better and that he’s going to die. If I was Dean, I wouldn’t have even fathomed what exactly was happening.
Then Cas is gone and Dean is left once again to put himself back together again. The episode ended with Dean just sitting and sobbing: sobbing like Dean has never sobbed before. And Dean, he’s lost so many people that he’s loved, he’s lost Cas so many times but nothing like this. Dean sobbing like he’s lost everything is enough to know what he feels, even if he doesn’t know himself yet.