An Open Letter to the girl who Loved me and died;
Waking up at 6:30 AM in the morning is no joke. A lot of effort goes into prying your eyes open and getting ready for the day. In fact, a lot of effort goes into trying to get more than 5 hours of decent sleep. In such circumstances, being woken up by the continuous ringing of my cellphone at 3:36 AM is not my preferred start to the day.
Over three long years, I’ve tried my best to forget my ex-roommate’s call at 3:36 AM on the morning of 22nd August. Who wants to be woken up to the news that his best friend from college days was involved in a car accident, and died? Now I know why you always hated people who drove like nothing mattered – because in that moment, I hated them too.
When I look back at everything you’ve ever done for me, one single memory stands out. That one seemingly random afternoon when you came up to me and in hushed tones told me you loved me; and all I could say was “But I’ve always seen you as a sister.” You and I, we promised each other that nothing would come in the way of our friendship, that we wouldn’t let the situation get awkward. Fast forward one week and you texted me, “You haven’t even talked to me all week.” I know I didn’t say it then, but know this: It wasn’t that I hadn’t talked to you, it was that I was becoming too much for you. I was taking up all your thoughts and all your time, and now I knew I was taking up all your love.
Then we drifted apart. You graduated, and I was still here. You knew I hated texting and so you never texted, but you always, always called me up once in a while. I don’t know how to apologize for never picking up.
I hadn’t talked to you in over 16 months when Sebastian called me up at 3:36 AM in the morning. I’m not kidding when I say that I spent the next 16 hours wondering what I ever did to deserve your love. I treated you as dispensable, when you were, and always will be, the most indispensable person I’ve ever know. You were there when those tall girls with sly smiles broke my heart, and you were there when my anxiety got the better of me. You listened to me complain and rant, and you listened to stories about all my dates. Even when I came up and called you fake, you never left. You stood by me through everything, even when I couldn’t do the same.
I was always too late in everything. On your birthday that one year, I was the last person to wish you – I know I’m too late to say this but know that my words and actions may have fallen short, but I never stopped caring for you. I never stopped missing you when you graduated and left. I never stopped thinking about calling you and talking to you.
When you died, I couldn’t help but remember everything about you. Your silly obsession with boybands, your one beer per night policy, you asking me to stop smoking, you. I can’t help but wonder how many times you cried when we fought, for how long did you wait before texting me after a fight? I know your best friend hated me and I know she felt I didn’t care. But I always did. I never knew I could miss you anymore than how much I missed you when college went on break for 2 months. But it’s been three years, and each day I miss you more.
You will always be my favourite person to talk to, and I will always hate that boy who made you doubt yourself. And I will still not know how to thank you for every word, every moment, every phone call.
Yours sincerely,
The boy who took too much and couldn’t give too much.
